From Surviving to Thriving: One Man's Journey

Dave Pelzer is a survivor of child abuse who is now an author of several books and a successful public speaker.  His story spans three books, starting with "A Child Called It: One Child's Courage to Survive".  I was first introduced to his book through a friend's response to reading the book.  Before reading the book, she was only vaguely aware of child abuse in a general way.  However, after reading it, she became a child abuse prevention  activist by sharing the book, joining and participating in child abuse preventention organizations.  I know that her action led to others taking action; who knows how far and how much her actions have influenced others to positive action?  By such actions, one individual can become a force that changes the world.

If you are unfamiliar with Dave Pelzer and his work, I am going to provide links that will let you learn more.  This is mostly because his personal work is, well, his personal work.  I think you should be aware, before starting, that there is some controversy about his work; however, it is mostly disclaimers from his family.  (This is something I plan on addressing in a general way next week.)  Irregardless, his story is one that illuminates the henious nature of child abuse, as well as how to not let it control you.

To visit his website:  http://www.davepelzer.com/ 

To view/buy his books:  Dave Pelzer Books

~~Debra Contreras

Lemonade: Maya Angelou's Flavor

Maya Angelou was born Marguerite Ann Johnson on April 4, 1928.  A beloved American autobiographer and poet, she is best known for her series of six autobiographical volumes, which focus on her childhood and early adulthood experiences. The first, best-known, and most highly acclaimed, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (1969), focuses on the first seventeen years of her life.  Now considered a classic, it brought her international recognition, and a nomination for a National Book Award.  I have to admit that while I tried to read it, I found it too difficult.  However, it is an inspiring book (I skimmed it); personally, I prefer to read her poetry and other works.  I also enjoy watching and reading her interviews and/or speeches.

She was a member of the Harlem Writers Guild in the late 1950s. She was active in the Civil Rights movement, and served as Northern Coordinator of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Southern Christian Leadership Conference. Her work has led to her being awarded over 30 honorary degrees.  She was also nominated for a Pulitzer Prize for her 1971 volume of poetry, Just Give Me a Cool Drink of Water 'Fore I Diiie.  Since 1991, Angelou has taught at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, as recipient of the first lifetime Reynolds Professorship of American Studies. In 1993, she recited her poem "On the Pulse of Morning" at President Bill Clinton's inauguration, the first poet to make an inaugural recitation since Robert Frost at John F. Kennedy's inauguration in 1961. In 1995, she was recognized for having the longest-running record (two years) on The New York Times Paperback Nonfiction Bestseller List. Beginning in the 1990's, she has had a busy career as a lecturer, making about 80 appearances a year.

My favorite poem of Angelou's is "Still I Rise".  Today I share my favorite quote of hers:

"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived,
 but if faced with courage, need not be lived again."

While I cannot speak exactly of it's original context, for me, it contains the goal of healing: we need not continue to repeat the past.

~~Debra Contreras

When Life Gives You Lemons…

…You are supposed to make lemonade, right?

In the course of my mothering years, I had the opportunity to care for at-risk children, mostly those who had suffered from some type of abuse. I became a caregiver to several children whose abuse had been freshly discovered, some at the home of a child care provider. My greatest joy of those experiences was helping those hurting children to take the negatives they had experienced and turned them into positives.

As a fan of Gavin DeBecker’s books, his story was a favorite example of how to not only learn from a bad experience, but how to build it into something incredibly positive. According to his website, he is a leading expert on “prediction and management of violence”. He is author of the several books, including The Gift of Fear and the #1 parenting book of 1999, titled Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane). I found his story especially helped these children feel hope and inspiration, as many abused children suffer from feelings of shame and a generalized sense of worthlessness from the abuse. His story is especially appealing to these children because he is now a security expert; in my experience, it lends a note of comfort and safety for them. 

Gavin DeBecker is a fabulous example of someone who turned the lemons given him into a seemingly endless fountain of finest lemonade. According to statistics, he should not have become the success he is today. What is remarkable about his success story is that he built a career on what he learned from his negative start in childhood. I enjoy not only his books, but his story for showing how you can turn a negative into a positive.

To learn more about Gavin DeBecker, visit his Web site at: Gavin DeBecker & Associates

For book information, including purchase:  Books by Gavin DeBecker
 
For an executive biography: Gavin DeBecker

200 Year Old Motivational Speaker

If you were going to hire a motivational speaker, back in the 1800's, what kind of resumes would capture attention? Probably a male, an educator or businessman, someone polished and refined. You would probably NOT look at a woman, much less one who was a black slave in tattered clothes. Who would listen to that in those days?

Sojourner Truth was and continues to be known and loved as a motivational speaker. If you look at her qualifications, as well as the time period, she had nothing but strikes against her. A black slave, woman, penniless, and illiterate, she continues to motivate people two hundred years after her birth.

My personal favorite story is where, upon hearing of the illegal sale of her son, she successfully gets him back. For a slave, especially a woman, that is quite an accomplishment. From the beginning of the story, she only claimed confidence in God, showing an early proof of the power of positive thinking.

I am including her best known speech, "Ain't I a Woman?" as well as a link to her narrative.

Art Therapy: That's a Wrap, Folks!

Art therapy can be you creating your own works, or finding an already created work that promotes healing for YOU.  In the article Inner Bonding: Healing Childhood Trauma (September 5, 2009), it describes creating an inner parent for yourself, by yourself.  Finding a way to express your true inner self is not only healing, but a mark of maturity. Art therapy can help you become your own parent, perhaps the one you should have had but didn't.  This is important for survivors of abuse, because abuse oppresses and suppresses personal growth.  If we as a society allow any members to become weakened by abuse, we weaken our society as a whole.    

I posted examples of how to use art can to help healing.  Since I picked them from my own bag of personal favorites, perhaps none spoke personally to you.  That's okay: I don't need readers who see the world exactly like I do.  What I would like to know is that you read these, and they inspired you to find or create works that inspire YOU in your journey, whatever that may be. Healing doesn't erase the trauma, but teaches you how to manage it so you control it, rather than it controlling you. Hurting people don't function as optimally as healed people: being the best you that you were created to be benefits not only yourself, but all of us.

I'd like to start a new, but similiar, focus through stories I find inspiring.  They also illustrate what I've pointed out today:  healthy, strong societies start at the individual level with healthy, strong members.

~~Debra Contreras

Art Therapy: Performance Art

BECOME A VAGINA WARRIOR AT: VDAY.ORG


BECOME A VAGINA WARRIOR AT: VDAY.ORG

Art Therapy: Medicinal Music

Art Therapy: Drawing

 

Jesus with Damsel in Distress

The first time I saw this picture, I was told it was Jesus and a runaway girl.  I also had a friend who purchased it for a Christian run domestic violence shelter.  It serves both situations: the audience viewing a work of art typically adds their perspective, and that can make a work of art deeply personal for a person.

Many runaways are abused children.  I am including a link the the National Runaway Switchboard.  This hotline offers help to runaways via referring them to a place where they can recieve help.

National Runaway Hotline
I am also including a link to an article written for the NRH that, based on their statistics, describes the characteristics of runaways.  Characteristics Of Help Seeking Youth.pdf

Video Therapy

RESCUE IS POSSIBLE!!  For information, visit http://www.twloha.com/



RESCUE IS POSSIBLE!!  For information, visit http://www.twloha.com/




RESCUE IS POSSIBLE!!  For information, visit http://www.twloha.com/

"I Abuse You for Your Own Good"

The following article, from the Psychology Today blog, gives an interesting insight into how "good, loving" parents are led to abuse their children.  The stereotype is that of overstressed parents losing control due to stress.  While this article doesn't nullify the truth of that stereotype, it shows how abuse can be rooted in "good parenting".  Being able to objectively critique your parenting style, as well as being aware of what is healthy/unhealthy is necessary to preventing abuse from "good parenting".  ~~Debra Contreras

(emphasis in excerpt supplied by me).

Patricia Crittenden has offered some interesting and relevant ideas that I believe may help answer the questions stated earlier (Crittenden, P. (2006). Why do inadequate parents do what they do? In O. Mayseless [Ed.], Parenting Representations (pp. 388-433). New York: Cambridge University Press). Among various categories of parental thoughts and behaviors Crittenden provided was one which she associated with a Canadian case reported in 2004, in which an adoptive mother kept two well-developed boys in cages, tied them, diapered them, and beat them, even into their teenage years. The boys were released to go to school (where they did well academically), but returned home to the cages and diapers each day. The mother had been severely abused in childhood and in marriage, and was diagnosed with PTSD, which Crittenden defined as a psychological disorder in which the mother was unaware of some aspects of past threats, but excessively aware of others.

Crittenden described the mother in this case as an example of what she called "parents who misconstrue powerful forces as threatening both themselves and their children, thus responding with irrational protective measures". These parents rely on experiences of danger from childhood memories that may or may not be accurate, so they become confused about whether there is danger in the present. Because there is no real danger in the present, the parent's actions cannot affect the perceived danger or relieve their fear.

In their attempts to feel less threatened, these parents may be drawn to belief systems that consider all or some human beings (for example, adopted children) to be inherently evil, and may express these beliefs by irrationally suspecting children of sexual predation or attempting to manage the child's urination and defecation in inappropriate ways. They may follow compulsive rituals like caging or demanding specific actions or postures from the child, while at the same time neglecting needs like food or medical care.

These parents may be committed to beliefs that demand faith-based rituals rather than normal mental health or medical care. They may also believe that punishment of the child is essential to prevent evil behavior, and that severe punishments such as confinement in cages, fasting, or heavy physical work are needed for this purpose. 

To read the complete article, go to Psychology Today blog, article title: 
Child Abuse: Why Do They Do It?

Still I Rise: A Poem

**Read out loud**

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.


Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.



Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.



Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops.

Weakened by my soulful cries.



Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin' in my own back yard.



You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I'll rise.



Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?



Out of the huts of history's shame

I rise

Up from a past that's rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.


Written by:  Maya Angelou

Art Therapy

"Jews and blacks express our sufferings differently:  blacks developed the blues, while Jews complain. We just never thought of putting it to music." Jon Stewart

Within the humor of the above statement is a truth of the power of healing using an artistic method.  Throughout this blog, I am sharing articles to help you in your journey of healing, several using writing as a mode.  For survivors of abuse, it is incredibly healing to get it out, and give it expression.  I also posted some examples of therapuetic literature.  If you are familiar with Christian music, some of its most beautiful songs came out of something tragic.  Some chose music, others writing; the creating is more important than the  method. 

There are several reasons why art therapy has so much healing power.  We tend to internalize trauma and by giving expression to it, we get it out  of our system.  In creating the content, we also take power over it, rather than letting it fester inside and control us.  By sharing it, we create awareness and potentially help others in some way, however small.  Art therapy is also at the root of the Vagina Monologues: a grass root movement that has grown world wide to stop violence.

I want share some people's healing creations.  I will let them speak to you for themselves. I only hope they will inspire you to find your own healing, your own voice.

~~Debra Contreras

Healing Writing: On and about What?

If you are new to journaling, or think therapuatic journeling is "different", then you will find this article helpful.  It is very specific in its suggestions.  Some will work for you, others won't.  That's okay; the main purpose for including it simply to give you some inspiration.

Keep this goal in mind when writing personally: it's all about you and all for you.   When I journal for myself, I like to keep it pretty.  A decorative pen, a journal that looks pretty as well as being easy to write in.  If you like to sketch, consider using an unlined journal.  Pasting snippets from magazines and newspapers that you find pleasing in some way is also a nice addition.
 --Debra

Healing through Writing

"The pen is mightier than the sword."  True in many situations, writing about your trauma can be a great way to get the posions out of your system.  Conversely, it is also a good way to seperate yourself from it by writing about your current positives.  The approach you take isn't as important as just doing it.  Get a notebook and nice pen, sit at the computer, and get to it.  One caution: therapy, in any mode, can lead to some high emotion.  Many therapists will suggest clients take some breathing space after therapy sessions for this reason, to avoid creating new problems.  Just something to be aware of, so you keep the "therapy" seperated from your today.  --Debra