It is difficult to measure the effect of your own individual self-belief. After all, you only know for sure what you have or have not achieved. Additionally, no one can prove how much more you might have achieved if only... However, if you take a look at the human race as a group, questioning and comparing similarities of the various traits of successful people, the value of self-confidence becomes easier to identify.
It has been noted and proven time and again that a person’s self-beliefs are indeed a good predictor of success and achievement. However, self worth and confidence aren’t taught in the same way we are taught language, math and science. Yet, it is as vital a lesson to learn as any other subject taught in school.
Many feel that because confidence is not a tangible thing in the same way as 1 + 1 = 2 or knowing how to spell “rational” correctly, it can not be taught, and therefore is unlearnable. It is regulated to the arena of emotions, feelings. This leads many to the erroneous idea that it is neither teachable nor learnable. But like anything else, you CAN learn it, and it CAN be taught. The great thing about confidence is that you can find the tools to teach it to yourself.
What is really true about confidence is that it IS tangible; you can feel it, you can hear it in one's tonality and see it in one's posture...and you can all but taste it as well. Confidence is a living, breathing, and tangible force, as real as the wind that sails a boat. You can learn to use it to steer your life, just as surely as you can learn to use the wind to steer a boat.
Very few people would disagree that confidence or lack of it is directly related to the experiences in one's life. But now is the time to take a step back and view confidence from a different angle. Once you appreciate that how you experience a life event is dependent upon your perception of that event, you have taken the first step towards a positive change.
It is true that you can not control all things in life, but you control more if you know how to control your thinking. Your perceptions of the world around you and your expectations about what might happen all come from within. They come from your own inner mind. There are many ways to access the inner workings of your mind. Cognitive thinking skills are an excellent place to start.
Cognitive therapy is “based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to feel / act better even if the situation does not change” (definition from National Association of Cognitive Behavior Therapists.) When confronted with problems, there are two issues to address: one is the problem itself, and the other is how we perceive the problem.
Cognitive therapy is, in comparison to other therapeutic techniques, shorter in resolution time for several reasons. First, it addresses the thinking problem by teaching you how to think through your problem. Secondly, it places emphasis on action, by structured therapeutic homework. This is helpful as you learn to break down, into manageable goals with tangible steps, to resolve your problem. The approach is logical, methodical, and, most importantly, ACTION orientated—learnable in a short amount of time.
This week, I want to look at the importance of self-talk, as well as speak about ways you talk to yourself, perhaps without realizing it. If you lack confidence, chances are good that you say things to yourself and about yourself that you would never think of saying to someone else out loud. I’ve shared some articles about healing by becoming your own internal parent, nurturing yourself in the way you weren’t nurtured as you should have been by loved ones. Well, as the child within you matures, you need to learn to be your own best friend.
If you have suffered abuse, you either haven’t learned confidence, or you have forgotten what you once knew. I want to tell you that you grow confidence by loving yourself as you are. You know what is good about you, what isn’t, and you love yourself anyway: because that is what best friends do for each other. I also want to tell you, no matter what your life circumstance may be right now, that you know better than anyone why you are loveable, and what parts of you aren’t. I know that you are here because you want to learn or relearn how to love yourself.
This leads me to your first lesson in confidence:
Start a journal. Everyday you are to finish this sentence before going to bed:
I love myself today because
:
and here you just fill in something you are proud of.
It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Perhaps you’ve been depressed and you feel like getting out of bed is a chore. Well, write that down then. If that is where you are right now, then love yourself for where you are. That’s what best friends do for each other. (If you’re beyond that, then great: but I want to catch you were you might be fallen.) It doesn’t have to be a chore feeling item either: maybe you had some fun today; then write that down. Best friends have fun together, and you are striving to be your own best friend again.
By learning how to love yourself again, you are creating the confidence you need to live your most extreme life. So love yourself well.
~~ © Debra Conteras ©
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