Motivation in Relationships

Why Do I Love This Person?

One of the most liberating insights of my life was realizing that I didn't have to be friends with everyone. Raised and educated in Christian schools, I was always taught that you had to love everyone; it was a moral duty.  I used to think that meant I had to be best friends with everyone.  It was exhaustingly co-dependent thinking.  And one day I just let that belief slip from me.  Interestingly, I found I no longer had the need to judge or categorize people.  It was enough to just be ourselves; no more, no less.

I became able to appreciate that life gives us a variety of relationships, each having it's own sphere of value.  What I mean by that is that every relationship has its own dynamics, and is as unique as every individual.  At the same time, those with whom we are most intimate with can have such an effect on our very being, not to mention our lives.  In this week's focus on motivation, I think it is important to look at motivation in relationships. I encourage you to take the action step at the end of the article.  The insights you can gain will be invaluable.

As a psychotherapist specializing in couples and marital therapy, one of the first things I ask is “What do you love about one another?" If the answers indicate little depth, serious trouble is indicated. Replies such "because she's pretty,” "he's fun to be with,” are troubling signs, indicating surface attraction. Once, to my horror, a client replied "Because we like the same kind of pizza.” Needless to say, this is not a foundation for a long lasting relationship!

All of this begs many questions: Do we truly love someone or simply what they do for us? Without question, we all know that money and wealth can be insidious manipulators in any union. So how does a relationship evolve from the meeting of facile needs to a stable, committed, companionship? Happily, after considerable introspection, many couples are able to identify their attraction to positive partner qualities such as compassion, intelligence, and an ability and willingness to communicate effectively. After all, if we cannot speak openly with our partners, what hope do we have? Perhaps more important, self-aware couples are able to recognize areas for potential growth, and develop a plan to jointly work on their relationship.

While some, especially new, couples may view such questioning as cynically casting doubt upon their whirlwind romance, nonetheless this type of critical self-reflection is vital in determining ultimate compatibility. Indeed, a little work now could save a lot of heartache later.

Action For The Day: After reading this article, perform a critical self-assessment in order to determine both you and your partner's motivation for continuing your relationship.

About The Author:  Emily Kensington is a psychotherapist specializing in couples and marital therapy. Her website is http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com/ Copyright 2007. Reprint permission granted ONLY if author's link, name, and credit included.